On My Planet

November 12th, 2013

I feel pretty strongly that I should run the world. Or at least a country. I would do it so well.

You know what? I’ll settle for a planet. It can be Petit Prince sized, so long as it’s MINE and I get to make the rules.Unknown

Here’s how I’d run my planet. And I’m telling you right now, it would be the best planet ever.

1. Consenting adults could marry whoever the hell they wanted to and sleep with whoever the hell they wanted, and no one would even care because we’d all agree on my planet that it’s no one’s business except the people who are actually getting busy (if you know what I mean (and I think you do, you dawg)).

2. Every single bathroom would be required by law to have a really high-powered fan that would be loud enough to cover any embarrassing noises and efficient enough to carry away any embarrassing odors before you opened the door again.

3. Condoms, condoms, condoms. They’d be everywhere. Free. Big jars of them wherever you went with “Help yourself!” in nice bold lettering (NOT Papyrus) on the label. You’d get a free condom with every sandwich you bought at a fast food restaurant, because why not?  (Insert Happy Meal joke here if you’d like.)

4. No one would be allowed to go hungry. No one. And rich people who didn’t see a problem with kids going hungry would be kicked off the planet–and I mean, kicked off, like George Clooney in outer space kicked off. Oh, and that reminds me: sliding tax scale. The richer you are, the more taxes you pay. Because you can AFFORD to pay more.

5. Teachers and scientists would not only be highly paid, the good ones would be worshiped like heroes, and there’d be photos of them in Us Magazine saying “Teachers . . . they’re just like us” or “Scientists . . . They play with their kids!”. . . except there wouldn’t be an Us Magazine on my planet. Maybe Popular Science could add a section like that? And no one would get media attention who wasn’t a decent human being doing good work in the world.

6. No torture. Ever. By anyone. Not even Kiefer Sutherland.

7. Both genders would get long paid maternity/paternity leaves after their kids were born. And since employment opportunities and pay would be equal on my planet, both parents could then decide if they’d rather stay home or go back to work. And then whoever went back to work would admit that it’s easier going into an office than it is staying home with a colicky baby and would rub the back of the one who stayed home. Or the back of the nanny or day care owner, if that’s who took care of the kid. But someone’s back.

9. Any politician who tried to marginalize, target, or condemn law-abiding citizens because of their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, race, or anything along those lines would be deemed no longer eligible to hold office. We’d all be like, “That shit’s illegal” because . . . um . . . it should be, right? Why isn’t it, again?

10. Emailing would be the nationally accepted correspondence, phones used only in dire emergencies (and, actually, not even then).

11. There would be state-subsidized bookstores. Because reading makes you better at EVERYTHING.

12. Universal health care. Duh.

13. The phrase “boys will be boys” would be outlawed and anyone who used it would have to pay a hefty fine and write five hundred times on a chalkboard, “I will teach BOTH genders to be respectful toward others.”

14. The Starbucks on my planet would go back to selling pumpkin scones. My son liked those, dammit.

15. Tom Hiddleston. (I’m not sure what about Tom Hiddleston . . . maybe King? Royal escort? He just has to be part of my planet.)

16. No one could be a lawmaker who wasn’t versed in the basics of legal philosophy. If, for example, you’ve never heard of the veil of ignorance, you couldn’t run for office. Same for if you’re a coldhearted smallminded bastard (see #9 above).

17. Restaurants would have to give matches away again. Not so people could smoke cigarettes, but just because I can never find matches to light birthday candles and I liked when you used to be able to get them free.

18. Really good public transportation on my planet. Like New York City or London good. No one would even want to own a car on my planet. No need.

19. There’d be like this one major online website but it would let you put in your zipcode and then whatever you bought would come from a local, independent store. That would be cool, right?

20. Did I mention the free condoms? Because those, again.

Who wants to come live with me on Planet Claire? And what did I leave out? What would your planet have that mine doesn’t?

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