A Few Words about Breasts

June 4th, 2010

I’ve been thinking a lot about breasts lately.

There are two reasons for this.  One is that I went to see a new doctor and, as she did the routine breast exam, she exclaimed several times, “Wow, your breasts are really dense.  REALLY dense.”   It did not seem to be a compliment.  

The other is that my 22-year-old niece just moved in with us, and she has a gorgeous 22-year-old rack.

So there am I, with my aging-nursed-four-kids-each-for-an-entire-year-until-I-couldn’t-take-it-anymore DENSE breasts, and there’s my niece with her gorgeous young voluptuous hoo-hahs–and if you think we haven’t been teasing each other like crazy, you don’t know my family.

“D.B.” is her and my teenage son’s new nickname for me.

Am I jealous of my niece’s gorgeous young high breasts?  Damn straight I am.

Years ago–not many people know this so don’t tell anyone–I considered breast surgery.  I didn’t want anything big or bouncy, I just wanted to get back to what I had before nursing four kids.  With maybe a little more lift.  Actually, a lot more lift.  I wanted my breasts to be where they were supposed to be and not bobbing for apples down around my navel.  I called someone I knew for a recommendation and told her that a, um, “friend of mine” was thinking about getting a boob job.  She said, “You shouldn’t do this.”  I said, “It’s not for me–it’s for a friend.”  She said, “You’ll regret it.  Just work on your posture: standing up straight is better than getting painful, unnecessary surgery.”  I said, “I’ll tell my friend you said that.”  “There are still a lot of risks associated with it,” she said.  “You really should think long and hard about it.”  “My friend takes it very seriously,” I assured her.  “Don’t get a boob job,” she said before hanging up.

So I didn’t.  Instead I discovered water bras which made my chest so firm and big I couldn’t stop feeling myself up.  Now I just get decent padded bras.  Out in public, I look fine.  At home, at night, once the bras come off, I look . . .  like a woman who nursed four kids.

But now I can gaze wistfully at my niece and imagine what it would be like to wear low-cut shirts and look like THAT.

You know what?  It’s really true: youth is wasted on the young.   So are luscious breasts.

  • Claudia says:

    Hi DB. The Brits have made the most amazing water bra ever — Panache T shirt bra. Large breasts almost as high as your cheekbones. Amazing! Just don’t ever try to wash it.

    I wonder what dense breasts means. I guess it’s bad but it sounds good. It doesn’t sound soggy. It sounds perky and tight to me!

    It’s interesting the way breasts are to women what penises are to men. Except men never complain about their penises, do they? I’ve never had a guy turn to me and say, “You think I look GOOD? Oh my God, my penis is soooooooooo small. And it dangles now that I have kids. I could wash the floor with my dick, I swear! It’s gonna fall off. It’s dangling by a thread!”

    I obsess more about my butt than my breasts. Breasts are kind of fixable with a wonderbra. But butts? No. Not really fixable. I once bought these underpants that were super expensive and the package said: “It’s like a facelift for your butt!” No. Not good. I wish magazines would write more about which stars have had butt lifts. Or does exercise actually help?

  • Dawn says:

    A good bra is hard to find. I’ve never had a perfectly comfortable one. I can’t wait to get the damn thing off. Let’em hang. Such a relief after being lifted, squeezed and tightly fastened all day long. 18 hour bra..ha. I used to have pretty great rack, if I do say so myself. I didn’t properly appreciate it though. I yearned to wear strapless dresses without looking slutty, and cute little bandanna tops. I also have a very broad back..”swimmers back” I’ve heard it called. So my first training bra was a 36 A..through the years I’ve gone all the way up to triple D’sss and back down some. I sometimes fantasize about having them restored to their previous glory but then I think, why bother…they’re the least of my worries really.

  • Cathryn Michon says:

    You know me, I love a craft project. Because I do yoga with movie stars (live in LA, hazzard of the place) I have seen some magnificent man (or perhaps woman) made racks and I say it’s like a Porsche, no one needs a Porsche, but if you can afford it, and it would be fun, what the hell. It’s good for the economy.

    I say this as someone who spent money on lipo no one ever noticed that made me REALLY HAPPY. REALLY. HAPPY.

    So, if you want someone who will be supportive of it (so to speak) I am that friend.

  • Claire says:

    A craft project? Cathryn, if you can knit me some new breasts, I’m all for it. Dawn, I feel that way about my waist: I didn’t appreciate it when I had one. And Claudia, “dense” was not a good thing. Not the way she was saying it. Dense and perky are NOT synonyms, I’m sorry to say.

  • Melissa says:

    Dense breasts, I believe, means fibrocystic breasts or my technical term, lumpy breasts. They are increasingly common with women. Something like 80 percent of women have them now. You’re lucky if you never knew you had them – they can be pretty painful each month. Possessing a couple of them myself I did some research into this and found out that a shortage of iodine in the diet can be a contributing factor. Apparently we all used to get our iodine in bread but they stopped fortifying bread with iodine around 1980 and started using Bromine, which is like the anti-iodine, displacing iodine molecules in the body. I started taking an iodine supplement a few months ago and it’s made a noticeable difference.

    • Claire says:

      That’s exactly it, Melissa. It was all in the context of telling me I need digital mammograms and have a lot of fibroids in there. The word “dense” just seems so humorously sad to describe a breast, though.

  • Jennifer says:

    Ha ha, you wrote about boob jobs, and now your google ads area bout cysts and lipo.
    😀

  • Jennifer says:

    area bout = are about. Darnit

  • Deb Z. says:

    I had my mammogram this week and I swear they’re going to have to start going in through the back. I nursed three kids for just over a year a piece, and that along with the passage of time has left something almost unnatural looking where my breasts used to be. I’ve fantasized about a breast job, just to get back what I once had, but I’d never do it. The new ones would sag, too. I guess it’s just the price I paid to have three healthy kids. Funny, my husband didn’t have to give up any body parts to procreate.

    • Claire says:

      That’s so funny. My youngest son is a clone of his father and when I think of all I went through to give birth and how his father got to stand by and watch the whole process–and then have the kid come out looking just like HIM–it feels a little unfair. Although the truth is, if I had to choose, I would choose to bear the babies, even with all the wear and tear they brought with them. It was worth it to feel them moving inside.

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