Claire LaZebnik

There’s been a lot of finger-pointing in politics lately, a lot of “I’ll tell you who’s responsible for our national problems . . .” but these people are amateurs at pinning blame compared to us moms when there’s a virus going around.

viruses are so pretty

Other people’s kids are the problem.  They foster these nasty, debilitating viruses and then create situations where they’re in the same room as your child and pass them on.  Evil, right?   Some of them even cough and blow their noses.  They might as well be pointing a virus-filled ray-gun at your child.

Your own kid is the innocent victim, the one who happily skipped off to a playdate healthy and whole, and who casually mentions when she comes back that her friend said her throat hurt.  When your precious darling comes down with a bad cold twenty-four hours later, you know who to blame: that reckless shrew of a friend.

(Of course, when Precious Darling has her own playdate that second day–because she doesn’t want to cancel it and why should she?  It’s just a little sore throat–and then gets really sick a few hours later, you don’t feel guilty.   I mean, it wasn’t her virus that she passed on to her friend–it was playdate number one’s virus.)

I was recently on vacation at a hotel where several members of my extended family got felled by a particularly nasty stomach virus.  My sister started talking to another mother on our floor, who told her that her son had also gotten the stomach flu, but then made it clear he wasn’t to blame for bringing it there. That honor belonged to another little boy who had the stomach flu a couple of days before everyone else got it and whose mother let him wander around the lounge area when he was clearly still contagious.  When we discussed it later, the decision was unanimous: we could all blame that original, unknown family for making us all sick.

A couple of months ago, my husband and I watched the movie Contagion and thoroughly enjoyed it.  It was total wish-fulfillment.  Not because–spoiler alert–there’s a brilliant, unselfish scientist who figures out a way to eradicate this new pandemic.  No. The great satisfaction of the movie is that they ultimately–another spoiler alert but it doesn’t really spoil anything for you but still if you don’t like to know any details about movies before seeing them you should probably skip the rest of this paragraph and actually if you are like that I hope you stopped reading a sentence ago because that earlier thing was really more of a spoiler–trace the disease to a single Patient Zero and figure out exactly when and how she was the first human to be exposed to this particular virus.

How satisfying is that?  We know exactly who to blame for getting the virus and spreading it.  There’s no “she must have gotten it from someone else herself.”  Nope.  First human to get it.  And then she ate from a bowl of peanuts at a bar.  She is so totally to blame.

It’s all we moms really want out of life: a scapegoat to blame for every illness our kids get.

How to set up the perfect writing conditions, to maximize your potential and creativity.

This is a joke.  Not a ha-ha lol kind of joke.  More of a wry, sophisticated, “Oh, Noel, you’re such a cad” kind of joke.

That was a joke too.

The point is (I usually have a point, but I’ll be the first to admit I don’t get there in a straight line) that the perfect writing conditions DON’T EXIST and WILL NEVER EXIST.

See that?  I’m shouting at you.  That’s what those capitals are there for.  I am shouting at you to make sure you’re listening.  Are you listening?

Would-be writers say stuff like this: “My parents have a little cottage near a lake in Vermont, and at some point, I’m going to take a leave of absence from work and go stay there, all by myself, and write like a fiend.”

Published writers say this: “I got up at five in the morning for two years so I could squeeze in a couple of hours of writing before I had to go to work.”

Would-be writers say this: “I have a great idea, but I need to know I’m going to have a lot of time to really focus on it before I can get started.”

Published writers say stuff like this: “I wrote when the older kids were at school and my youngest kid was taking a nap.”

Would-be writers say this: “I need a quiet office all to myself, with a clean desk to work on.”

Published writers say this: “I have a laptop and I’ll work wherever there’s space and whenever I get a free minute.”  Or sometimes simply: “Where’s the closest Starbucks?”

I’m generalizing here, of course.  (It’s what I do best.)  There are probably tons of published authors who did clear a lot of time and space to work and a bunch of never published writers who frantically worked whenever they could.  But still . . .

Published author #2 in the above scraps of dialogue was me, by the way.  I wrote my first published novel, Same As It Never Was, when I had no daytime babysitting help, my two oldest kids were in elementary school, my daughter was in preschool, and my youngest son was six months old.  I wrote most of it when he took his mid-morning nap because the others were all out of the house then.  And I’ve never enjoyed writing more.  I’d think about what I wanted to write when I was driving or rocking a kid to sleep or doing the dishes or whatever task allowed my brain to roam freely, and then as soon as I had an hour to myself, I dashed over to the computer and wrote it down.  It was so much fun.

Best of all, there was no emotional burden on me to be productive.  I mean, if you take three weeks off from work to go stay in some desolate country estate somewhere, you’re going to be paralyzed with the need to churn out a bestseller.  Ever seen The Shining?  That’s what happens to authors who try to create the perfect writing conditions.  It’s too much pressure.

So don’t wait for the stars to align.  If you have an idea and a free minute or two, try to dash something off.  If you get interrupted, don’t sweat it: the words will still be there when you come back (so long as you hit save of course).  And don’t forget that Jane Austen supposedly wrote at a tiny little high desk in the corner of the living room of a very busy household.  And I’ve been told her books aren’t half bad.

Disclaimer: author has never actually appeared on the NY Times bestselling list and her advice should therefore be completely disregarded by any sane human being.

Open up any magazine and you’ll see diet advice.  And I don’t just mean dieting-to-lose-weight advice.  I’m talking about article after article telling you that eating the right foods will pretty much make you into the person you want to be.  Things like, “This diet will make you stronger!”  ”Eat right for more energy!”  ”Here’s what you should be snacking on to sleep better at night!” “These foods can improve your sex life!” and so on.

So it stands to reason that eating the right foods can also make you a better, more focused, more productive, more publishable, more bestselling author.  (And by “reason,” I mean the exact opposite.)  Since my goal on this blog is to help fledgling writers earn their wings (while maybe slipping a tiny bit of self-promotion in along the way), I’m going to share with you my new invention:

The Bestselling Writer’s Diet.

If you observe the following dietary guidelines, I personally guarantee that you will have a NY Times bestselling novel by next year.  (Note: results not guaranteed.)

Here is the easy to follow diet that will have you writing like Stephen King, Jennifer Weiner, and John Grisham all rolled up in one bouncy rubber ball:

1. Ingest coffee whenever, wherever, however you can.  I myself have an electric coffee maker, two french presses, a cup-top filter system, a percolator, a huge samovar, several packets of Starbucks Via and a container of Trader Joe’s instant coffee all taking up valuable kitchen real estate at this very moment, and I’m not afraid to use any one of them at a moment’s notice.

Why is coffee so crucial to an author’s success?  If you’ve ever sat in front of a computer and stared at an MS-Word doc for more than a minute, you know why.  The brain reverts to doze-mode the second it sees the words “document elements” at the top of the screen.  You need a quick high.

Plus, drinking cup after cup of coffee gives you an excuse to eat:

2.  Pastries.  The most important food group.  You need coffee and coffee needs pastry.  It’s as simple as that.  Of course, within the pastry genre, you have a lot of choice.  I am at this moment debating between chocolate chip yeast cakes (think fluffier, less sweet cinnamon rolls), which I make in large amounts and freeze so I can defrost them one at a time, a pan full of chocolate chip cookie cake that’s on top of my oven, and a bag of  breakfast cookies (oats, dried fruit and, yes, chocolate chips) with my name on them.

I also–out of curiosity–just counted the number of brownies mixes currently on my pantry shelves and–this is true–there are over FIFTEEN of them.  I clearly live in terror that I might one day run out and NOT be able to whip together a batch of brownies at the drop of a hat.  Fortunately, that will never happen.

But don’t be reckless. Brownies can only be eaten after noon.  Before that, you must get your sugar and chocolate in something that sounds vaguely breakfast like.  Anything with the words, “bun,” “biscuit,” or “roll” qualifies.

Lunch.

3. Protein, protein, protein.  By now, you’re thinking, “Come on, Claire, I know my basic science.  You need protein in your diet or you get all wimpy and tired.”  You know what?  You’re right.  You DO need protein.  Which is why you should either a) spread peanut butter on one of your pastries or b) throw some nuts into your brownies.  Nuts and legumes are excellent sources of protein.

Now we’re cooking with gas.  You feeling the energy?

4.  Getting over that mid-afternoon hump.  Morning gives you an excuse to drink lots of coffee.  Evening is cocktail hour.  (More on that later.)  What’s good about the afternoon?  Nothing.  That’s why you should forget about eating or writing and take a nice long nap.  When you wake up, it’s a good time to have another cup of coffee and a pastry.  Nice, right?  Like you’ve just bought yourself a brand new day.

5. Your evening meal.  So you’ve gotten through the day buzzed on caffeine and nourished by sugar and the occasional nut.  You’re craving a little something more.  And I know what that something is: salt.  Yes, it’s time for crunchy, salty things.  Potato chips are good.  Potato chips with hummus are even better.  Guacamole and tortilla chips are mind-blowingly wonderful.  Manchego cheese with a little rice cracker?  Oh, man, you’ve just died and gone to heaven.  But with all the salt you’re throwing down, you need something to combat that mighty powerful thirst . . .

6. (MUST BE OVER 21 TO READ THIS SECTION): Now it’s time for the vino.  Pour yourself a glass.  You deserve it.  You’ve sat at home in a comfortable desk chair and actually typed words on a keyboard.  You’re exhausted.  You’re wrung out.  You need to decompress.

Treat yourself right.  Use the good crystal.  Or a jelly jar.  Who cares, really, so long as it’s full?

7.  And to finish . . .  All that salty stuff has added up to one mighty fine meal.  Between that and your jelly jar, you’re feeling good right around now.  There’s only one thing missing: that one last bit of sweetness I like to call “dessert.”

Make it count.  Let it be decadent.  Then sit down and relish every bite–you’ve earned a little treat, you author you!  After the productive day you’ve had, you’re halfway to Stieg Larsson-sized success. (Now there was a man who appreciated a good cup of coffee . . .)  Bon appetit and bon . . . whatever the word for “writing” is in French.

Stayed tuned for my next diet article: how to eat well to read well.  You won’t want to miss it!

First of all, here’s the link to the last Book Candy TV chat I did, the one with Marla Miller.  Marla (and our guests) asked me great questions about how I write and why I write.  Ignore the pauses here and there–I realized afterwards that letting my daughter use the Internet while I was doing this high-tech talk online may not have been the BEST idea.  I don’t always think these things through.  But it is a lively discussion, and we laughed a lot, so feel free to watch it and if you have any lingering questions, ask me!

Speaking of questions, a fan of Epic Fail wrote to me recently asking me for recommendations of similar YA novels she might enjoy.  Can anyone help me out with this?  I’d love to get back to her with some titles but I’m not as well-read in that area as I should be.  Let me know if you can think of any, either in the comment thread here, or on my FB page.  And don’t forget to check out the book giveaway contest while you’re there–it ends Friday morning.

Bon appetit!

I don’t know why I said that.

I’m celebrating having reached over 500 fans on my Facebook page!

Come over to my page to check it out!  Tell me what your favorite item of clothing is and what made it your favorite, and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Families and Other Nonreturnable Gifts, If You Lived Here, You’d Be Home Now, or Growing Up on the Spectrum (that last one is non-fiction).  But you have to respond on the Facebook comment thread, not here.  The winner will be picked using a computer randomizer and will get to choose which book he/she wants.

P.S. If you’re under 18 and enter and win and would prefer a copy of Epic Fail, that’s fine too.

Come join us!

Choosing your narrative voice.

So you have a story idea–maybe even an outline–and you want to start writing. But just as your hands are descending on your keyboard, you stop, uncertain.  Do you want your protagonist to tell the story, in the first person?  Or do you want an omniscient third-person narrator?  Or maybe you want to switch between narrators, sometimes one character, sometimes another?  You could even try writing in the second person (“you walk up the stairs where you see someone you know” etc) but . . . nah, you’re probably not going to do that.  You’re creative but you’re not crazy.

Still, it’s tough choosing between that first person and third person voice.  How do you decide?

Ultimately it’s a personal, creative decision and there’s no right or wrong answer.  But I can tell you that I tend to lean toward the first-person narrator when I have a very strong protagonist, someone who’s going to be in every scene (that’s important) and who’s interesting and original enough to add zest to the narrative.  I happen to love telling the story from the main character’s point of view (as you’ve probably figured out if you’ve read more than a couple of my books), but it does limit you.  You can’t describe events that take place away from that character (unless she recounts it from hearsay) and you can’t give her knowledge she wouldn’t have.

A third-person narrator simplifies all that kind of stuff.  You can go anywhere, describe anything, fill in any information.  But you do lose some personality: an incorporeal narrator isn’t going to help flesh out a character.  And you still have decisions to make: can your narrator see into anyone’s mind?  Or still lean toward one character’s thoughts?  (Think Scarlett O’Hara in GWTH–third person narrative, but you only know what Scarlett’s thinking.) Or do you want to keep it simple, just describe what’s going on and let the characters’ dialogue and actions speak for themselves?  That limits you because you can’t describe what someone’s thinking, but there’s a creative purity to it that’s appealing.

One thing that really bumps me in a book is when a narrator switches points of view within one scene, so that just when you’re seeing the action through one character’s eyes, suddenly you know what another character’s thinking.  You need some rules about this.  I suppose you could just dip in and out of everyone’s mind, but then you lose a lot of mystery–you’re cheating if you can sometimes see everyone’s motives but then try to spring a surprise because it serves you better in another scene.

I got around that one in two of my novels by having a third-person narrator but switching which point of view you could see, depending on the scene.  So, for example, in Knitting Under the Influence, you could see into Sari’s mind when the story was about her, and Lucy’s when it was about her.  The confusion could have come when they were together, which they frequently were, but then I made a very deliberate choice whose point of view that scene would still be told from–it could vary between sections but never within a section.  If I started a section in Sari’s voice, then I wouldn’t suddenly switch over and say, “Lucy thought Sari was being annoying.”  That would have felt inconsistent to me.

In both Knitting Under the Influence and The Smart One and the Pretty One, I needed to serve more than one main character.  I could have switched the first person (i.e. had one character narrate a chapter then switch to another character’s voice for a different character, something plenty of authors do, to interesting effect), but I decided to use that third person voice to avoid confusion.  For all my other novels, I’ve used the first person–I just love slipping into someone else’s mind and telling the story the way she would.  It lets you think like your character for a while and that’s just fun.

Well, last chance for a while anyway . . .

Tomorrow (Thursday) night is my last Book Candy TV interview.  And this is going to be the best.  I know this because the smart, savvy, and beautiful Marla Miller is going to be interviewing me AND we’ve already agreed to go long if good questions keep coming in. So come, settle down, bring some snacks (you don’t have to share), and join in on a nice long discussion about writing.

Here’s the info:

Join prolific author Claire LaZebnik when she appears on Book Candy TV to
talk about her writing life with host Marla Miller.  Fans of Claire’s will
have the chance to ask her detailed questions about her writing process.

Do her characters come to her first?
Does a theme drive the narrative of each story?
How influential is setting to the novels she writes?
What’s her favorite point of view and why?

We will also discuss Claire’s books about autism, and find out how her
experience writing non-fiction has influenced her fiction.

If you’ve yet to join a chat room during an interview with a notable author,
don’t miss this opportunity to join Book Candy Studios TV on January 12,
2012 @9PM Eastern / 6PM Pacific.

All you have to do is sign in – it’s free! It’s the next best thing to being
in a workshop.  Claire and Marla look forward to answering your questions
and discussing her craft, creative process, and the caffeine that fuels it
all.

DATE: JANUARY 12th, 2011
TIME: 6:00PM Pacific / 9:00PM Eastern

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